A Prayer for Bend

Dear little tiny Baby Jeebus,

Thank you for blessing Bend with your bountiful love & goodness. Thank you Baby Jeebus for keeping medians high and volumes low so that Realtors don't have to work so hard.

With the blessings out of the way, I would like to ask, itty bitty tiny Baby Jeebus, that you exercise your religious powers and smite the following intolerable bullshit:

First, little tiny Jeebus, please smite all the motherfuckers that park in handicapped spots who can walk just fine. Please smite them with a car key up the side of their Cali-plated Escalade. And Baby Jeebus, smite the bitches who wait forever in parking lots for other people to leave parking spots, blocking all possible forward motion, so that they might not have to walk an extra 10 feet. Smite the fuckers who leave their shopping cart in driving lanes. Smite the dumbshits who frantically climb over people to buy stupid video game consoles. Smite the dog owners who let their motherfucking dogs bark all night, and shit in the park & don't clean it up. Bless you Baby Jeebus for smiting the fuck out of the dogs & owners who are in constant violation of this simple human decency. In general, tiny Baby Jeebus, smite selfish rude assholes, and smite 'em good.

Little tiny Baby Jeebus, please smite all lawyers. Thank you for smiting Africa with John "Hum-Job" Hummell, asshole lawyer extraordinaire, and please itty bitty Jeebus, give that cocksucker The AIDs or some other bodily-fluid transmitted disease he gets from butt-banging some underaged Afrikaner. But little bitty Baby Jeebus, please smite every motherfuckin lawyer with the AIDs & gonorrhea. I hate those fuckers & they should all die.

And little, tiny Baby Jeebus, smite all the fake-tittied, big-haired Cali skanks that have ever come to Bend. Smite these bitches, and smite their plastic surgeon as well. Smite their augmentation procedures, and little Baby Jeebus, smite their silicon implants with weak spots that burst while they are being titty-banged. Old bitches that look like Frankenstein prostitutes are an abomination, and we both know it. Little Baby Jeebus, it'll simply be easier if you smite every female Realtor in and around Bend, because they are all sleazy ex-Cali-bangers trying to look 20 while they 95. Please make them die, Baby Jeebus.

And Baby Jeebus, thank you for smiting The Plaza, The Shire, and other completely fucked-up retard projects. But Baby Jeebus, I ask you to smite the motherfuckers who lent them the money as well. Smite everyone up the financial chain responsible. Fuckers need to learn some fiscal responsibility, itty bitty baby Jeebus. But Baby Jeebus, I just ask that you not smite Patty Moss, Cascade Bancorp's CEO. It is pretty clear, little Baby Jeebus, that you done smote her ass with an ugly stick unmerciful.

Holy Shit, stop smiting this woman Baby Jeebus!

And in a related non-smiting, for the love of Christ baby Jeebus, do not smite Hillary anymore either.

Little Baby Jeebus, please discontinue the smiting of this woman.

And we thank you Baby Jeebus, for beginning this macro-smiting of all the greedy-ass builders, Realtors, crooked mortgage brokers, and every other get-rich-quick motherfucker that has moved to Bend solely to make a quick buck. But Baby Jeebus, please reserve a special smiting for Randy Sebastian, hypocritical homo-erotic mega-fag. Please, itty bitty Jeebus, smite this fucker with the flesh-eating virus, so they we never again have to endure his smug motherfucking crossed arm bullshit. Please smite Sebastian, Ron Garzini, Ray Kuratek, Jeff Holzman, Larry Craig, and maybe some other in-the-closet Republican faggots, by getting them all caught in a public toilet giving each other the circle jerk. Let Larry Craig be caught looking at Garzini's asshole, Garzini looking at Kuratek's asshole, Kuratek looking at Holzman's asshole, Holzman looking at Sebastians asshole, and Sebastian looking at plans for Shevlin Reserve, which we all know is The Asshole of Bend.

And itty, bitty precious Baby Jeebus, please smite the motherfuckin road between Bend & the Cali border. Smite every North-bound motherfucker on this road with disease, pestilence, and a shotgun blast to the head from some gun-toting LaPine "Minutemen", charged with killing the shit outta Cali bangers come to Bend & fuck it up. Please give Cali-bangers the knowledge that they are to Bend, as the US is to Iraq: Well-meaning selfish fucknuts that are wrecking the place by imposing their will on a blood-thirsty insurgent population that will slaughter their ass at all costs to get rid of them. Please little itty bitty precious Baby Jeebus, smite Cali-bangers, George Bush, fake tittied Realtors, and the US Army in one big motherfucking smiting to give us victims some measure of your intolerance, hatred, and cruel irony in wiping out unwanted invaders.

Little tiny, itty bitty Baby Jeebus, please smite the big box retail invasion of Central Oregon as well. Smite Trader Joes, if only so they'll close & take at least a few consumerist freak Cali's with them. Smite the Porsche dealer, the Mercedes dealer, and Pronghorn. Smite all upscale restaurants, like Deep and the lame ass Merenda. Smite all upscale consumerist bullshit, which as you know full well itty bitty Jeebus, would be the smiting of 95% of Bend. Please baby Jeebus, smite the consumerist nightmare that is America.

And little tiny, itty bitty Baby Jeebus, despite the fucker cutting & pasting some of the same bullshit over & over & over, do not smite BendBust. Only smite him a little when he uses the words "cunt" or "twat", or posts a link to technicolor hemorrhoids. Which of course means he would receive the All Time Mega-Smoting of the Universe. If he does it again, for the love of Christ, itty bitty Jeebus, just shove a shotgun up that cunt's twat, and pull the trigger. And little precious Baby Jeebus, do not smite Timmy. Or Bruce. Or BendBB, despite the fact that he likes to chain his nipple rings up to a paint-shaker. He's an OK guy Baby Jeebus, and I hope that you let me throw him a burrito before the years out. He's lost $200K of the $220K that he paid for his westside sugar shack, and is keeping a stiff upper lip about it. Baby Jeebus, just so you know him when you see him and will avoid smiting his ass, here is a picture of BendBB laughing uncontrollably at the funniest joke he's ever heard:

BendBB: "A girl from Nantucket. That's a good one. I cannot stop laughing."

Speaking of whacko's you can smite on an individual basis, please smite everyone on Bend City Counsel... AGAIN. You done smote 'em once it's clear, as they are the most incompetent pack of dumbfucks to ever walk this planet. But please, just one little extra bit of smiting in 2008, so that Bend is striken with some of the most fucked up shit ever, like ramps for gimps that have 1,000% markup, and even then it ain't to code.

And smite Cushman & Tebbs, pictured here:

Cushman & Tebbs (aka Crockett & Tubbs) right after a closing. Tebbs is the black dude.

Little tiny Baby Jeebus, this ain't exactly Cushman & Tebbs, but if they were dudes, this is exactly what they'd look like. So mow the 2 fuckers down whenever you have a minute.

And little, itty, bitty, tiny Baby Jeebus, smite the shit out of The Bend Bulletin, Cascade Business Buttfuckers, and KTVZ. Smite David Fisher & Anna Sowa, and smite everyone on KTVZ, even the hot chicks, for all those heinous self-serving bio pieces where we have to endure total bullshit like Christian Boris claiming he spends his days in the Cascades when we know full well that metrosexual fucker spends his nights watching gay porn. And little Baby Jeebus even smite the mega-hot Molly Hendrickson, and quasi-weird-hot Nina Mehlhaf for even participating in KTVZ's tired as shit self-serving "We're Local, so don't watch KOHD, and we were first in hi-def so try to forget the 'HD' part of KOHD, we need to keep this monopoly so we can cycle through as many hot-chicks as possible paying them rock ass bottom wages, cuz the station manager is a motherfuckin pervert" bio pieces. Please Baby Jeebus, smite that shit hard. And baby Jeebus, don't forget to smite the Bulletin for only putting RE pieces in the online version of the paper on the way up, and worthless ass bullshit pieces online now that we've busted.

And speaking of bullshit pieces, thank you Baby Jeebus for the Bulletin piece basically printing that this place is a deluded bunch of drug-addicts, by printing this quote from Sandy Henderson, new head of the perennial money-losing BendFilm:

'You know what, there’s got to be Prozac or something in the water, because everybody is happy.’

It's called KOOL-AID Sandy, and it will soon render your mind whithered & useless. And thank you baby Jeebus for this series of idiotic quotes from the same piece:

"“The brilliant thing about L.A. is you see a lot of people at the top of their game,” Henderson says. “You see the very best of it, and you see the worst."

“My question was,” says Bailey, 'Are you too big for BendFilm?’ Given her background, it was like, 'Wow, this person is such a heavy hitter. This person has been in the big leagues. Does she come with a heft that would just overwhelm anyone here in town?’

He answers his own question: “It’s clear that’s not her personality. She doesn’t bring an L.A. personality to the job.”

“Yeah, that’s the best thing I can say about her,” said Bailey. “She doesn’t have an L.A. personality.”

“She came strolling right up to me and said, 'You don’t know me, but I’m going to be on the selections committee next year, because I worked in L.A., and I know film, and I want to be involved in BendFilm.’ I was like, 'Wow, who are you?’”

Again, Baby Jeebus, smite the living fuck out of self-loathing Californians who come here to "get away from Cali-assholes & that whole Cali thing", yet the second they're here they want Central Oregon to be a carbon-copy filled with a rude-ass pack of cocksucking cannibals, just like where they came from. Please baby Jeebus, kill these L.A. glorifying - L.A. hating conflicted motherfuckers. No, scratch that Baby Jeebus: Disfigure the fuckers first, then kill them.

And little Baby Jeebus, for the love of Christ, tell me why The Bulletin has turned into some sort of fucked-up match-making whorehouse, with quotes like this?

In 1987, she moved to the U.S. She would become a legal resident and settle in Los Angeles, “with the singular goal of being involved in film, because it’s always been my passion. It’s always been my first love,” says Henderson, who incidentally is not involved in a long-term relationship.

Baby Jeebus, please tell me why the fuck the marital status of some clearly lesbian Cali-bitch who has just been promoted from selling radio ad time to running a chronic money-losing 2nd rate piece of crap film festival, is the least bit important? Please baby Jeebus, Why?

In closing baby Jeebus, we thank you for the Smitings Of 2008:

• Medians at $280K, down $100K from the all-time highs at $380K in Sept 2006.
• Patty Moss losing her CEO job at Cracker-Ass Cracker Broke Cascade Bancorp.
• The foreclosure on The Plaza, and most likely The Shire, The Garag-mahol & Tuscany Arctic Tropical Pines
• Mike Hollern for his double-dipping of bullshit with his anti-clothesline Nazification of Awbrey Butte, and his Fake Titty Auction
• Buena Vista homes rigged auction ripoff which resulted in 100% failure, which will be duplicated in their future Bend auction.

And little Baby Jeebus, please smite me & this blog, also. I'm an asshole & I know it. And itty, bitty Baby Jeebus, smite yourself & religion itself as well. What sort of fucked up indoctrination & brainwashing causes more suffering, death, and hatred than religion, I'll never know. Thank you tiny Baby Jeebus for inventing religion as the most inhumane method of population thinning ever conceived.

And Baby Jeebus, smite our fuckin troops in Iraq. And Jesse Jackson. And smite the bastards that don't want it to be "Merry Christmas", but "Happy Holidays" turning this country into some sort of Generic Religion-Agnostic Zone, fuck you & smite you in the ass. Go back to motherfuckin Syria, you Islamic fuckers. And smite all the black motherfuckers that blame Whitey for all their problems, and then while you're at it, smite Whitey. And smite liberals, conservatives, and for the love of Christ, just kill OJ. And Baby Jeebus, do not smite the Iran nuclear program, and please bring it back, so that we nuke those towel-head motherfuckers and we are dragged into a war-torn conflagration that drags our sorry ass down a peg. This country is fucked up & needs to be kicked in the balls. With a nuke.

In your name we pray, itty bitty tiny precious Baby Jeebus, AMEN.

P.S. And Baby Jeebus, tell all the commenters here that Paul-doh be on vacation for awhile & might not post for a week or 2, and if they don't like it, smite those fuckers hard.